The Attagirl

Dear Ness,  

Don't let your fears hold back from experiencing life. Be brave. Be courageous. Take leaps of faith. Ultimately learn to be your own journey. Learning is life changing. 

Be a kid for as long as you can. You'll miss not having a childhood later. And being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be. 

In those really dark moments where you contemplate ending your life, know that it does gets better. 

Don't ever forget those moments of aloneness and loneliness. There will come a time when you will wish you could have some alone time. 

Learn about your feelings and acknowledge them. Even the hate, anger and sadness. Those feelings that makes you a human. Sit with the pain. Even take it with you on your journey. Pain can be a beautiful thing so learn as much as you can from it. And as much as you can try to deny it, you are human and you love and feel and just want to be accepted as is. 

Have more fun. Don't be so serious. Let loose. Life is too short to be serious and stressed. Let people in. it can be incredibly scary but it can also be incredibly rewarding. 

Make sure to love yourself more than anybody else can. It will help raise the standard on how much love you deserve. And you deserve to be loved.

Not every decision or relationship is black and white. It's confusing and difficult but try and accept the gray areas. 

Believe in yourself. Dream big. Know you are worth it. 

Love,

Ness

I’m just human. I make mistakes like everyone does. And I’m trying to make up for those stupid mistakes. Everyday I’m hunted by those mistakes. Every day I try to cover it up with something nice. But every day, I know behind those eyes are disappointments and lies.

I’m getting older and I should’ve known better. There are no excuses for my decisions and actions. I know that. Coz at some point, I wanted that to happen. But I’m not perfect. And I’m still a work in progress. Every one of us is. And I’m sorry for the pains I’ve caused. I’m getting older and I should’ve known better. Every day is a struggle. I’m not being ungrateful or anything. I am absolutely grateful for my family and friends around.

As much as I’m trying to be a better person, just when I’m about to put the last piece, I breakdown again. Over and over and over… an unending cycle.

I have my family and GOD knows how much I want to make them proud again. I used to do that. Getting good grades even if I’ve engaged myself to a lot of extracurricular activities, saving lot money from my allowance, being sent to seminars and workshops and contests each year… they were happy. And I can’t wait for the day to see them happy about me again. I hope I’m on the right track now. I don’t care if I have to breakdown everyday as long as I can make them happy. Because I owe them a lot.

I’m not a bad person. But I break, too. And sometimes, people mistook that for me being such a brat. And it’s sad because they don’t really ask what’s wrong. Not that the people around me doesn’t listen. They do. But it’s different when it’s your family. There’s a huge difference!

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.

I guess I just wanted to say sorry to everyone I have offended. Sorry for the pains and hurt I have caused. Sorry that I appear ungrateful. Sorry if I rant a lot. Sorry if I’ve been disrespectful. Sorry for the times I acted like a total brat. Sorry for being such a pain in the a**. Sorry for not doing the things you’ve expected from me.

But I wish you would also see the positive things I have done and not dwell on the negatives. I wish you would understand that it’s hard for me too. I wish you’d understand where I came from and that I’m trying to be better. I wish that you’d stop thinking that I’m ungrateful because every minute of the day, I pray and thank God for the blessings bestowed upon me. I also pray for the people who are helping me that you will all be showered with so much graces. But again, there’s no way to please everyone. So I’ll just do my very best to please those who means the most to me. My family.

I know I sometimes act differently from what I say and vice versa. And it’s complicated. But I’m putting an effort. If that’s not enough, I will exert more just so things will be better.

My blog is serving its purpose. Letting me rant. I feel a lil better now.

I know there’s a lot of people going through the same thing I’m going. I know there are people who are stuck somewhere but wanting so bad to break free and just flap their wings. I know there are people who needs a lil push to make them work on their dreams. I know there are people out there who doesn’t have the confidence or the resources. But what they didn’t know, it’s just out there. their dream is just there waiting to be touched. waiting for their masters to make them a reality.

I know my dream is just out there. It may be hard for me right now but that doesn’t mean I’m gona give up. I’m taking lil steps and believe it or not, its working.

I will keep on doing this. Baby steps. I owe it to myself.